Beyond My Grasp
by Mitaretai
Summary: Riku's deep love for Sora is pushing him to do things he never thought he would. The problem only becomes worse when he gains power to control the Heartless. Yaoi, dark and graphic. Oneshot. Revised


**Disclaimer**: I do not own the characters of Kingdom Hearts. I'm just borrowing them…

**Timeline**: Takes place during the first game. There aren't any references to the second game, because this was written before KHII came out.

**Rating**: This story is M for a reason. It's very dark, and probably disturbing. Read it if you're up for it.

(Story revised 3/3/09)

* * *

'What is love?' L had written in his notebook,

'I see it everywhere but it's beyond my grasp,

like a mirage it is visible but never tangible.

I wonder if love is hate's disguise.

Feelings like love come only with those who wish for my death.

Like a blood stain, hate stays bold,

and like pain, hate is burning, consuming and passionate.

For this I will love my enemies.'

-IsabelleMaya_, Strawberry Heartbreak_

----

The decks of Captain Hook's ship were dull and smooth, as Riku dragged his feet across them. He was deeply submerged in his thoughts, only slightly aware of the few pirates around him, watching him questioningly. He hated it here; he hated being here, involved with all this. Sora's enemy.

He had been there for quite some time, just walking around. Why was he doing this? He knew Maleficent had tricked him, made him think that Sora didn't care about him. She must have seen that he had feelings for the other boy, and she took advantage of him. Riku hated her for it, but he continued to work for her... there was nothing else he could really _do_ at this point, other than to continue fighting against his best friend. He had chosen the darkness, and there was no turning back.

Stopping, the silver-haired teen looked over to the room where Kairi was being held. Her heart had been stolen from her, but her body continued to stay alive, just a shell, unable to speak, think, or move. Riku envied her, for not having to really be involved. She didn't have to deal with what he and Sora were going through! She had it so easy, now, not having to make these horrible choices and regret so much.

She was asleep, of course, and had been through most of this drama. _Little innocent wench. _

Riku had all too many reasons to dislike Kairi. She was a _princess of heart_. That means that she and Sora were practically_ soul mates_, both being pure of heart and all. Kairi was far too perfect. She never made mistakes, and she was so beautiful. But Riku's main reason to hate her: Sora was in love with her.

Riku gritted his teeth, still looking towards the room. Before she had come to Destiny Islands, everything was great! He and Sora were best friends. Sora had paid so much more attention to Riku than he did anyone else. They _loved_ each other, even if it wasn't the kind of love Riku wanted. It was good enough, and Riku would have happily settled for it. But_ she_ came, and everything was ruined.

The silver-haired boy reminded himself that if he kept thinking about her, he would only get angrier. He walked over to her room, fists slightly shaking.

The door opened with a loud screech which made Riku shudder. He looked around. The room was bare and empty, aside from a few barrels of who-knows-what in the corner. The auburn-haired girl sat slouchingly in the center of the room.

Riku approached her and kneeled in front of her, lifting her chin up so he could look her in the face. Her eyes were empty as they looked into his, or rather, straight through them. There was a sadness or a wanting in her eyes, and her mouth was hanging slightly open, as if about to speak. It was eerie, like Riku was looking at an extremely lifelike doll. Desperately, he looked her up and down. He was looking for… _something_. What was it about her that made Sora like her so much? Riku knew that this was all hopeless and obsessive, but he couldn't help himself anymore.

Aquamarine eyes trailed downwards to her fists which rested on her purple skirt. Sora had always liked this skirt. He had ranted on and on about how it was his favorite of everything she wore. He had blushed, while telling Riku how he hoped to remove that skirt from her one day. Riku had held back tears, just as he was doing now.

He let her head flop down, and ran a hand through her hair, feeling the smooth texture, envying the beautiful color. His hands traveled down to her face, and he felt her smooth skin, the shape of her nose, the softness of her lips. He looked curiously, thinking of how Sora longed to touch those lips.

After glancing around quickly to confirm that no one was near, he kissed her lips shyly. He wanted to know what he was missing, and what Sora liked so much about this girl. The kiss was normal, of course. What did he expect? Not that Riku had much experience kissing, but it was just like kissing his mother. It was passionless and dull, probably because he was practically kissing Kairi's corpse.

After pulling away from her, he cupped her cheek and kissed her again, more forcefully this time. What was coming over him? He didn't like any girl, let alone Kairi. Maybe this was just how lonely he was... or maybe he just wanted a taste of what Sora felt for her.

Without breaking the kiss, he let his free hand wander down to her shoulders, feeling her feminine shape, wanting Sora to be jealous of him. Riku couldn't stop himself; half of him wanted this, almost needed it, as if he had been deprived. He gave in to himself.

Hesitantly, he slipped his tongue inside her dry mouth. Exploring it, he wondered if kissing Sora's would feel similar. He let his eyes shut, and his left hand traveled downwards, still, curiously caressing her the whole way. His hand met her small breast, and he gasped softy, not exactly expecting it. Had he been pretending that she was really Sora? How completely _pathetic._

Riku, very shyly, felt one of her breasts. It was soft, and warm, but it wasn't overly appealing to him. Is this something that Sora wished he could do as well?

Withdrawing his hand, he sat in thought, staring at her more. He was truly fighting the urge to go _farther._ Why the hell would he want to..? He knew that what he was doing was just… wrong. He would die of shame if anyone happened to see him.

As if on cue, the door swung open. The first thing Riku saw was a hook which had a hold of the door, the shining tip carving a slight puncture in the wood. The captain stepped forward, his boots clopping against the hard wooden flooring. His long black hair was in thick curls. _What a queer hairstyle_, Riku thought as he tried to hide his disgust for this man.

"Maleficent is looking for you, boy. You'd better go see what she wants." Captain Hook said firmly, looking assumingly at Riku, who was still kneeling in front of the redhead.

Riku grunted in response, getting up. He didn't care what some frilly pirate thought about him. He slid past Hook and walked towards the captain's cabin.

Repeatedly running his fingers nervously through his hair, Riku wondered what the hell just happened. Was it just curiosity? Was he really _that_ lonely? Maybe he wanted to be more like Sora. Riku felt a strong wave of depressing hopelessness as he thought about how simple life would be if he didn't have feelings for the brunette boy.

But… he wanted Sora to be his so badly. He wanted just to hold him, kiss him, and feel him... not Kairi. Riku just wanted to stare into his gorgeous blue eyes and not have to disguise his desires. His arms ached, and he wanted something to hug or hold on to. _Grow up, Riku._

"Ah, Riku..." Maleficent said. Riku looked up at her before realizing that his eyes were full of tears. Embarrassedly, he looked down quickly, wiping his eyes.

"Yeah?" he responded, controlling his voice.

"I've got a present for you..." she said with a grin. She gave a dramatic pause, and when Riku didn't excitedly lift his head, she decided to say it anyway.

"The power to control the Heartless!"

Riku looked up at her now. She grinned even wider, and lifted her arms high up into the air.

His body let off a dark, greenish glow and he felt himself becoming more and more in tune with the dark. It was a spectacular feeling, and Riku loved it. "What now? How does it work?"

"You can summon them to you," she said slowly. "It's not hard. You can command them, and fight along side them now."

Riku shut his eyes and concentrated, deciding to test his new abilities. He was trying to summon a Heartless, and any would do. He felt a presence, and looked to see if it had worked. He couldn't believe his eyes.

In front of him was Sora. Well, not exactly Sora... this _thing_ was all black, even its clothing and hair, and its eyes were glowing yellow. Its movements were spastic, which made Riku realize it was probably a Heartless. He didn't want to believe it; he wanted it to be Sora. Riku's eyes filled with moisture, and he looked at Maleficent.

"What? …How? Is it Sora?" he knew the answer, but he wanted it to be true.

"Wonderful, isn't it? This is Anti-Sora; it's Sora's shadow, his dark side. It is almost equal in strength and speed, its only down-point is his wit. It's a stupid creature that only has its instinct. Just another Heartless, only stronger..." she trailed off, looking at Riku's expression. "...And better looking."

Riku ignored her cruel teasing, and looked at the Anti-Sora. Its name was perfectly fitting. He _was _Sora, just dark. Dark like Riku was now. Riku looked him up and down more, and knew that he wanted this heartless creature.

_Just disgusting... completely pathetic. How disturbing can one person get? You're a sick freak._

"Now, I have business to attend to. My dear Riku, I'll leave you with your new powers. Test them as you please and put them to good use." She looked at him seriously and he nodded in response. Waving her arms again, she disappeared in green flames, and Riku was alone with Sora's dark clone.

Riku wondered if he could speak.

"Say something." He commanded.

The Heartless twitched. It looked around, and looked back at Riku. It could understand him, but it couldn't talk.

Riku wasn't sure whether to refer to the creature as 'it' or 'he'. He reached out and touched the black, smoke-like, hair. Anti-Sora flinched, and looked around more. _How interesting,_ Riku thought. _He can feel…_

_Will he judge me? Would he care if I made a move on him? He is a creature with only instinct... aside from that, he's Sora. It's pathetic... but this _thing_ is... _

Riku couldn't figure out a word to describe his feelings for the shadow, he wanted to say "sexy" or "irresistible". They were all true, of course, but saying something like that, or even thinking it left him feeling guilty. As if only Sora deserved that type of praise.

The Heartless fidgeted, yellow eyes darting about. Riku moved closer, sliding his gloved hand through the spiky hair, if you could call it that. It didn't quite feel like hair, it only resembled it. Riku removed his gloves to feel the texture. It was like sand falling through his fingers, a misty, fine sand. It was very soft.

Riku moved his other hand to Sora's face and he felt the dark-colored cheek. Its skin was smooth as silk, and Riku's fingers easily swept across it. He rested his hand there, and captured Sora's lips.

It was like nothing he could have ever imagined. Riku couldn't move, he couldn't think of anything in the world other than Sora's black lips on his own, and the feeling that came with it.

And then the silver haired boy felt the heartless Sora apply some pressure back onto his own mouth. This feeling on his lips, like silent electricity, quickly traveled down his body. It was absolute bliss, the feeling that Riku had always longed for; to kiss someone he loved while being kissed in return.

Riku opened his eyes, not realizing that he had closed them. The shadow twitched and jerked its head away, his yellow eyes blinking rapidly. Is it possible that this creature is capable of passion or love? Was it possible to actually...? Riku let his mind wander for a few seconds, and intense lust flooded his senses, making his skin tingle.

But the passion was lonely. Sorrow and hopelessness suddenly stabbed at him, tearing painful holes in his happiness. The awful feelings gathered in his chest, and the sad truth of the situation was unavoidable. _This creature isn't Sora. _

Desperation then struck him with equal force as he looked at Sora's body, and he kissed him again. He moved his lips against Sora's mouth again, while his arms roughly trailed everywhere on him before resting on his roundly-curved bottom. It was just like the rest of him: air-soft. It was like touching a cloud, and Riku began to fear that Sora may slip through his fingers. He felt like he should hurry, like Sora could disappear at any moment. Then Riku would be left alone... He had to do this quickly. But what exactly was it that he was _doing? _He nervously looked at his Sora again.

Unsure, Riku found himself wondering what an Anti-Sora would look like without its clothes. Just like Sora, he assumed. The thought sent more electricity through his body. _Just like Sora, but dark. Dark like me. …Maybe this is destiny._

He held the Heartless close, and placed one hand on the zipper under Sora's collarbone, playing with it, while looking at his Sora for any sign, a response, anything. Yellow eyes darted back and forth. _What do you expect? He's driven by instinct. He's a thing, not Sora._ The pain inside his chest throbbed, growing tighter.

_No, he _is_ Sora. Sora's clone. Just like him, a dark little Sora. This is okay, because couldn't get the other Sora's attention. This is okay… this could be just what I need. Hurry, before he's gone. He could disappear at any time. I can't be alone now._

Riku removed the hooded t-shirt, sliding the dark cloth down Sora's shoulders, and lifting its arms slightly to remove the shirt from the Heartless's form. Riku threw it aside, not noticing that the clothing vanished before it hit the floor.

Riku continued to hold the shadow, noting the difference in their color. Sora was completely black, everywhere but his eyes, while Riku was utterly bright. Light skin, light eyes, shining silver hair… but he was dark on the inside. They belonged together, together in darkness.

Riku looked at the perfectly crafted face of his love, and couldn't help but to steal another blissful kiss. He began to unzip Sora's zipper, but an idea came to mind. _The power to control and command the Heartless... _

"Take off those stupid shorts..." he whispered passionately. He nipped, perhaps too hard, at the foggy ear as the creature twitched a bit, and ran the zipper to its shirt downwards with a few spastic movements.

"You're eager aren't you?" Riku mumbled into Sora's cheek. He stopped Sora when he was halfway unzipped and spun his head at a sound of running in the hallway. Riku realized that he was still in the captain's cabin. He quickly shut and locked all doors, refusing to consider any later consequences. He needed this, he deserved this.

Riku reached for the zipper to his shirt. Sliding it downwards, he slowly exposed his chest, looking at his Sora expectantly. "Like what you see, Sora?" he said, snatching up the shadow's hand to put on his chest. A jerk and a jittery noise were the response.

"Now... undress me, please?" He asked. The yellow eyes looked him up and down, and dark fingers suddenly grabbed hold of the zipper. "Slowly," Riku added.

The Heartless hesitated, looking at Riku, then the zipper, bringing it down a little every second. "Good. Keep going..." Riku said calmly, although his breaths were getting uneven, and his body heat was rising fast. Every movement Anti-Sora made sent tingles of pleasure into Riku's quickly growing arousal.

The zipper, along with the shadowy hand, soon neared Riku's crotch. The silver-haired boy then grabbed Sora's hand, removing it from himself temporarily. He carefully pulled his zipper down the rest of the way and pulled out his stiff cock, looking at Anti-Sora the whole time. "Touch me," he moaned.

The creature complied, no longer hesitating. Its foggy hand wrapped easily around Riku's erection, while its fingers twitching slightly. Riku moaned again, too loudly this time, at the sudden jolt of pleasure, and thrust his hips to get more friction from Sora's hand. "Ah, Sora... Please, move your hand.. up a-and down…" He shut his eyes, and allowed himself to feel Sora touching him. _Amazing, _he thought to himself,_ this is the best thing I've ever felt. _

"So good… Sora," he panted, unable to control his body's movements, or the sounds escaping his throat. Heat flushed through him, and his breath came in short gasps.

Riku was getting close. Very close. But it couldn't be over yet.

"Stop now," he commanded. Sora stopped immediately, looking up with a calm twitch. Riku pushed him forcefully backwards, which didn't quite work how he had expected. Sora merely teleported, melting into the floor before springing back up. Riku glared at him. "Sit down."

The dark figure quickly lowered to the ground, trembling slightly. "You want me bad, don't you?" Riku purred, leaning over to him to whisper in his ear. Being so close to Sora, the silver-haired teen could feel the foggy dark mist emitting from him. As if this Sora was slowly disappearing. Would he soon cease to exist? _Don't leave. I need to hurry_. Riku's erection was killing him. He stroked it a few times with his own hand, and spoke again.

"Sora, I want you to suck me."

The creature's mouth opened suddenly, and then closed, eyes darting in every direction. It moved closer, hesitating.

"Just put it in your mouth," the boy instructed. "And suck me."

The Heartless looked as though it understood, and leaned close to Riku's groin. It slid its mouth over the tip of the silver-haired boy's arousal, and Riku threw his head back with a gasp. Anti-Sora gently sucked on it. Riku moaned immediately, his hips moving up to put more of himself inside the dark mouth.

It was like he could barely feel it. No... He could definitely feel it, a _lot. _But it was overwhelming... yet, not. The pleasure was completely fulfilling, but most definitely lacking. Was the feeling too much or too little? Riku couldn't decide, he just knew that it felt great either way. He quickly dismissed the negative thoughts once more, and enjoyed himself.

Sweat tickled from his hairline, and collected on his damp forehead. He was panting, muttering fragments of words to his Sora. His fingers dug into black, smoky hair.

"S-Sora..." Riku whined, in an accidental tone. "Faster…"

The creature cooperated, its dark head moving rapidly up and down; so fast that it was inhuman. Riku could hardly feel his climax approaching, until it was there. All of his senses were overwhelmed with flashes of black and white, while all of the incredible feelings that Sora was giving him reached a high, high peak.

"Aah! Mmm…" he moaned with choked breath. His breath came out in shaky huffs, and he twisted his fingers in the heartless' hair. Anti-Sora, surprised, took the erection out of his mouth when he felt the thick liquid coming from it, and the rest splashed onto his dark cheek.

The contrast of semen against the color of Anti-Sora's skin was evidence to confirm Riku's sudden guilt. He had just experienced the most powerful orgasm that he could have imagined, but now everything that he had just done hit him like a blow to the stomach. He was shaking, the aftershock of the ecstasy combined with this guilt was overpowering. Tears streamed down his face within seconds. Unhappiness gathered under his throat, wanting to come out in loud, painful screams.

Anti-Sora looked up at Riku, extremely unsure. He began to put Riku's soft penis in his mouth again. "Stop that now," The silver-haired boy managed to say, looking back at the shadow's shaking form.

"Am I insane…?" He cried to himself, hands shaking. He was being far too loud, but it didn't matter to him now. "You're not Sora... you're a fucking Heartless! A fucking _thing_! And... and I..." His voice became much softer, and he wiped his tears, burying his face in his knees. "What the hell is wrong with me..?"

He took a couple seconds to attempt to control his breathing. "Dismissed."

The shadow faded completely, letting off a dark steam before vanishing into the floor.

Riku was left alone. The one thing he _hated_. But he deserved to be left here with his thoughts. Hell, maybe he _was_ insane. His psycho thoughts would have to keep him company for a while, now.

After a few minutes of calming silence, Riku heard multiple footsteps coming from the hallway again. Among the chatter, the voice of Sora rang out, loud and clear, burning through his ears.

"Do you think Riku's here?"

* * *

**End**

I started this story out with a wonderful quote from IsabelleMaya's story, Strawberry Heartbreak. Even though the story was Death Note fic, I thought it fit well. I've always _really_ loved that quote.

This story was first written around 2005. I edited it a bit, and posted it back on here.

I'm not sure if the sexy parts were any good. Was it too graphic for this site? What do you think?

**Review please**. I want your **honest** opinion. I craaave what's going on in your head after reading! You don't need to worry about hurting my feelings or being too harsh; I won't hold a grudge at all. Pwomise (: You can write a word or two, if you're lazy. S'all good. (Though of course I don't mind long reviews!)

So, did you enjoy reading it? Did you maybe just skim through? Do you feel it was so-so? Were you really grossed out by the whole idea? Are you crazy about the fic? Did you hate it? I'm very interested to know, please tell me :D Thanks for reading!

..Mitaretai


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